The past 2 days I have been just fucking angry and so so sad!!! I don't think it's fair at ALL, that a man can walk out on his family to better himself (which could be understandable), while "the love of his life" and his son sit and suffer. I don't think it's fair that I get to come home to an empty house. I don't think it's fair that I have a hole in my heart the size of Texas, and I don't even know where to start to repair it. I don't think it's fair that people tell me to take it one day at a time, when what I really want to do is be selfish and just end this pain. I don't think it's fair for him to live his life carefree, with no kid to think about, because after all, he only sees him 2 days a week. I don't think it's fair that I have to be at home with my baby on a friday night wishing I could turn back time to do it all right, while he gets to have a pool party with boos and women. I don't think it's fair that I have to hide in the bathroom at work or at home, so no one sees me cry because it hurts to even breathe without him here.
I know life isnt fair. And I know I hurt him just the same in the 7 years that we've been together. BUT FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! This would've been so much easier to deal with if he had just died. Death (unless by suicide) isn't a choice we make. Walking out on the person you've told time and again you would never walk out on, is a choice. And it seemed so simple and easy for him to do. If i were truly truly selfish I would just runnaway from it all too. It's obviously the easy thing to do. BUT, I have a child that I cannot and will not abandon, like my father did me. But right now at this moment, I want to be selfish. I want to hate him, because I love him so much! I don't want to sleep alone anymore. And the thought of another woman touching him where I have, holding him like I have, having sex with him... just makes me so sick to my stomach. I don't think it's fair that I can't eat or sleep or stop the tears when I think about how we talked about our future together.
ITS NOT FUCKING FAAAAAAAAAAAAIIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE YOU CHASE! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR HURTING ME THIS WAY!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!! I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU BACK WHERE YOU BELONG! AND I HATE YOUR FUCKING FAT ASS FRIEND KENNY! HE SHOULD'VE DIED WHEN HE CANCER YEEEEARS AGO! HE SHOULD'VE DIED, SO YOU NEVER WOULD HEV MET HIM!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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Well, I could sit here and tell you how natural and normal all of these feelings are but who cares about that. I am sitting here crying my eyes out as I read this. This is a terrible thing that has happened....I know you feel like your dealing with this alone.....but hunny you are not alone! I know you miss him...... I know it hurts you so bad....I know you feel lonely....but I also know this.... Chase loves you and Jack so much! If you and Chase never resolve your marital differences then take it for what it is that he gave you the most incredible and amazing little boy ever!!! Jackson looks up to you and Chase so much! He knows he has the best parents! Chase will always love Jackson!!! But in a way..... you get the best of him. You are such a great mom and you take such good care of Jack! You two spend so much time together and you are forever trying to teach me the right things in life. I feel like Chase is a great father too, but I understand how you are feeling at this moment. The best thing to do is just to let it out...... don't try to hide it or hold it in.... take a deep breath.....let it out.... I love you!!
ReplyDeleteI love you back. It feels good to write it all out. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes it a little easier to deal with.
ReplyDeleteI agree!!!! It helped me greatly!!! And I continue to write wether good or bad..... It's nice to be able to go somewhere and express my feelings without judgement!!!
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