I have to, to be a better me.

So... as sad as it is for me, I have to let go of a friend who i love VERY much and move on with my life. I feel like I am growing up and wanting to accept the responsibilities that I have been dealt, and she is just no good for me anymore. I can't go out and drink all the time, and party and do crazy things anymore. I used to run to her and her family, and say it was because i had no where else to go. When the truth is, I ran there because I didn't have to be responsible over there. I'm tired of always being the one to drive out there and visit, I'm tired of feeling guilty when i don't go to birthdays, when none of them have ever been to one of my sons birthdays and they missed my birthday dinner, and the 2 years before that they didn't show at my parties. They didn't even come visit me in the hospital when i had my son! it really hurt! I don't want this to get ugly, but I'm sad, because I know it will on their end. See, because she is the kind of person that when someone distances themselves, she gets mad at them and it's all the other persons fault. She never takes blame or responsibilty or looks within herself, to say maybe it is me, maybe I did do something to push her away. I've done some pretty fucked up shit in my life, nothing that I'm bragging about, believe me. But I own every mistake that I have made.

I pride myself on being a GREAT friend. And those who are friends with me, know that I would go above and beyond for my friends. And I have for her, but in the 8 years that we have been friends, I don't remember her ever going above and beyond for me. I am the type of friend who will, and has put my friends before myself and even my family (as ashamed as I am to admit that). She is the type of friend who thinks of herself first and then everyone else. And I expect to be talked about behind my back and called every ugly name under the sun. Because thats how she is. If she gets hurt or angry, she talks shit and says ugly things about the person who she feels has wronged her. By no means am I perfect, nor am I trying to be. But I am trying to be a better person, more positive, less sensitive. I'm trying to be what I deserve to be for myself to be happy, and for my husband and son to be proud of me.

We had some GREAT times together, and when I think about all that fun, I get a little sad. I will miss her SO MUCH! But I am so ready to be a real grown up and be happy with my life and myself, and to be proud of the decisions I make. She's 26 and she's not ready to do that. I don't know that she ever will be. Do I wish I could live at home with my Mom at 26 with no job, no man, party all the time, get fucked up and not remember what stupid things I did, no car, no intentions of getting a job? Absolutely NOT! There was a time when I actually envied her, because she lives this life with no responsibilities. But I look at her life, and although she thinks its great and glamorous, i see nothing but pain, emptiness, and lonliness. She can put on a good show on the exterior, and tell people she loves her life. But I know she gets depressed about it, and feels miserable with herself at times, because she has nothing to show for herself at 26. I don't want to be like that. I look at my life, and although I've fucked up A LOT, i see lots of love and happiness. I've learned so much from being friends with her. Good and Bad. But now it's time to let go, and be the best Ashlie that i can. I won't be perfect, i won't even try to be perfect. But I will be pretty damn happy! I will miss her at times, and cry over the fact that I have lost another friend. But i think sometimes people just grow apart. Not on purpous, i think it just happens. I'm okay with that.