You learn as you go. :)

So.. it's been a while since I wrote, and I figured it was time to speak out.

Life sucks. Life is aweful, and mean, and nasty, and horrible... BUT, it's also amazing and beautiful and wondeful, and so so lovely! I never understood the saying "It gets worse before it gets better." But I do now. I feel like I've been through hell and back in my lifetime, more recently so in 2010. And I am coming out on top! Hard work absolutely pays off, and makes one hell of a difference when you've accomplished something by doing just that, working so hard. I know that I have more obsticles to overcome. A LOT MORE! But I also know that with the strength I've gained through the recent trials, and the REAL friends and supportive family I have, I will be A OK!

I feel so fortunate to have learned these hard lessons at 27, rather than 37, or even later in life. No matter how old we get, there are always lessons to be learned. But the most valuable ones have been taught to me this past year. I am so looking foward to moving on with my life, minus the weight of a few people who were never really my friends to begin with, plus the added bonus of a few I had no idea I couldn't live without. :) So thank you for the constant support and the unconditional love! Erin, that means you. ;p

I have learned so much from you, and I am so fortunate to call you my best friend. I absolutely could not have gotten through ANY of this without you. You ALWAYS believe in me, and you NEVER give up on me. 15 years of friendship happens for a reason. So, thank you so much for being that ONE TRUE FRIEND! The one I know no matter what happens or where life takes us, we will always be here!

Keep on keeping on, is my life mantra! It's cheesy, but it's gotten me through some of the worst days I've ever had. So looking foward to the continous change I am experiencing within myself, and the positive future ahead. For the first time in... EVER, I am happy with Ashlie. :)

My pickle.

So... I'm in a bit of a pickle. I recently met this guy. We met about 2 months ago i guess, 3 at the most. He's so gorgeous, he's kind, he loves me for ME. He knows all my secrets, all my crazy moments, all of me. It's crazy cause it's been a short period of time. We're very attached to each other. He has become my best best friend. I can honestly say, I love this boy. I trust him. He's never been fake to me. I would lay down my life for him. It's really crazy how it feels like we've known each other forever. I can honestly say with all my heart i would spend the rest of my life with him. We would never run out of things to talk about. We get each other. It would be easy. Not hard work, easy love. Now, my pickle is this; he's my gay best friend. Hmmm.

It's been driving me nuts. But I don't think I will ever tell anyone this secret. Except for you, Erin. ;) It's just not something I want anyone in our little group of friends knowing. I don't think James would be uncomfortable if I told him how I really feel about him. But I don't want to take that chance and lose him as my friend. I need him in my life. It's so crazy.

Ruh roh!

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!

The past 2 days I have been just fucking angry and so so sad!!! I don't think it's fair at ALL, that a man can walk out on his family to better himself (which could be understandable), while "the love of his life" and his son sit and suffer. I don't think it's fair that I get to come home to an empty house. I don't think it's fair that I have a hole in my heart the size of Texas, and I don't even know where to start to repair it. I don't think it's fair that people tell me to take it one day at a time, when what I really want to do is be selfish and just end this pain. I don't think it's fair for him to live his life carefree, with no kid to think about, because after all, he only sees him 2 days a week. I don't think it's fair that I have to be at home with my baby on a friday night wishing I could turn back time to do it all right, while he gets to have a pool party with boos and women. I don't think it's fair that I have to hide in the bathroom at work or at home, so no one sees me cry because it hurts to even breathe without him here.

I know life isnt fair. And I know I hurt him just the same in the 7 years that we've been together. BUT FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! This would've been so much easier to deal with if he had just died. Death (unless by suicide) isn't a choice we make. Walking out on the person you've told time and again you would never walk out on, is a choice. And it seemed so simple and easy for him to do. If i were truly truly selfish I would just runnaway from it all too. It's obviously the easy thing to do. BUT, I have a child that I cannot and will not abandon, like my father did me. But right now at this moment, I want to be selfish. I want to hate him, because I love him so much! I don't want to sleep alone anymore. And the thought of another woman touching him where I have, holding him like I have, having sex with him... just makes me so sick to my stomach. I don't think it's fair that I can't eat or sleep or stop the tears when I think about how we talked about our future together.

ITS NOT FUCKING FAAAAAAAAAAAAIIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE YOU CHASE! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR HURTING ME THIS WAY!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!! I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU BACK WHERE YOU BELONG! AND I HATE YOUR FUCKING FAT ASS FRIEND KENNY! HE SHOULD'VE DIED WHEN HE CANCER YEEEEARS AGO! HE SHOULD'VE DIED, SO YOU NEVER WOULD HEV MET HIM!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Love is never enough.

I've recently learned that when you are in a commited relationship, love is never enough.
You can love someone so much it makes your heart ache so bad when they're not near, but if you don't have trust, understanding, communication, and above all respect, it will never work.
Understandably people change. They key is to accept those changes gracefully, and lovingly. Love is a beautiful thing, when done the right way. And believe me, there is a right and a wrong way to love.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is love right. And never take anything or anyone for granted.
Life throws curve balls at you all the time, you swing the bat and either hit or miss. And if you miss, the next time you step up to bat, swing with all your might and knock it outta the park.

That's what she does when she's jealous.

I recently went to myspace, which I never frequent anymore. And my ex-best friend's status has been updated to "OH MY GOD! I haven't been on myspace in a while and it looks like somebody is getting ready for Halloween early this year. Your default pic is SCARRRRY!" I'm fairly positive that she is talking about me. And I also find it amusing that she thinks it's going to make me angry, or get me retaliating on myspace, by taking me off of her top friends. Sweetie, you have long since been removed from my LIFE, do you really think I give a shit if you remove me from your MYSPACE?

At first I was hurt by the comment. Cause I happen to think my default pic is quite fab, the hair is funny, but it is a picture from a PERIOD FILM! It's suposed to look like that. The more I thought about, I asked myself, why are you hurt? Is she someone of importance to you? No. Is her opinion something that you value? Not anymore. Is she turning 26 and has nothing to show for her life, but a divorce, and a bad addiction? Yes. Okay, Ashlie. Then it doesn't matter, and you have no reason to be upset by this nobody.

It's sad that I know her too well. Even still. She's talking about me, because that's what she does when she's jealous of someone. I've seen it done a million times. She, her sister, and her mother, and who ever else they get on their front porch, sit around and talk about everyone who has more and better lives than they do. I will admit I was sucked into it for a long time. Now that I am on the outside looking in, it's extremely pathetic. Although I miss the fun we had, that's all that friendship was. She was just the fun friend. She will never amount to anything, because she doesn't have to. Her mother is a nobody, and her sister is a nobody. They live from man to man. What I mean by that is, they are truly Black Widows. They get everything out a man that they can, then they toss them to the curb and move onto the next one.

Just FYI, I said I would never tell anyone this, but it's going to make me feel LOTS better, just to be a mean hateful bitch for a minute..... First, She stole from my husband's mother. We were kind enough to let her come stay with us while house sitting my in-laws and she stole my mom-in-laws pot, several pain pills, and she stole my husbands pain pills after he had his back surgery. Second.... she wasn't medically discharged from the Air Force, she was DISHONORABLY discharged for selling drugs and getting thrown in military prison for 14 months. And Third (this ones the doozie) she has GENITAL HERPES! AND she doesn't take medication for the outbreaks which she has quite frequently, because she has NO JOB AT 26 and CAN'T AFFORD IT!


Now, as I read that why for fucks sake was I friends with her as long as I was? GEEZUS, I was a dumb ass. But WOW, do I feel better!

I have to, to be a better me.

So... as sad as it is for me, I have to let go of a friend who i love VERY much and move on with my life. I feel like I am growing up and wanting to accept the responsibilities that I have been dealt, and she is just no good for me anymore. I can't go out and drink all the time, and party and do crazy things anymore. I used to run to her and her family, and say it was because i had no where else to go. When the truth is, I ran there because I didn't have to be responsible over there. I'm tired of always being the one to drive out there and visit, I'm tired of feeling guilty when i don't go to birthdays, when none of them have ever been to one of my sons birthdays and they missed my birthday dinner, and the 2 years before that they didn't show at my parties. They didn't even come visit me in the hospital when i had my son! it really hurt! I don't want this to get ugly, but I'm sad, because I know it will on their end. See, because she is the kind of person that when someone distances themselves, she gets mad at them and it's all the other persons fault. She never takes blame or responsibilty or looks within herself, to say maybe it is me, maybe I did do something to push her away. I've done some pretty fucked up shit in my life, nothing that I'm bragging about, believe me. But I own every mistake that I have made.

I pride myself on being a GREAT friend. And those who are friends with me, know that I would go above and beyond for my friends. And I have for her, but in the 8 years that we have been friends, I don't remember her ever going above and beyond for me. I am the type of friend who will, and has put my friends before myself and even my family (as ashamed as I am to admit that). She is the type of friend who thinks of herself first and then everyone else. And I expect to be talked about behind my back and called every ugly name under the sun. Because thats how she is. If she gets hurt or angry, she talks shit and says ugly things about the person who she feels has wronged her. By no means am I perfect, nor am I trying to be. But I am trying to be a better person, more positive, less sensitive. I'm trying to be what I deserve to be for myself to be happy, and for my husband and son to be proud of me.

We had some GREAT times together, and when I think about all that fun, I get a little sad. I will miss her SO MUCH! But I am so ready to be a real grown up and be happy with my life and myself, and to be proud of the decisions I make. She's 26 and she's not ready to do that. I don't know that she ever will be. Do I wish I could live at home with my Mom at 26 with no job, no man, party all the time, get fucked up and not remember what stupid things I did, no car, no intentions of getting a job? Absolutely NOT! There was a time when I actually envied her, because she lives this life with no responsibilities. But I look at her life, and although she thinks its great and glamorous, i see nothing but pain, emptiness, and lonliness. She can put on a good show on the exterior, and tell people she loves her life. But I know she gets depressed about it, and feels miserable with herself at times, because she has nothing to show for herself at 26. I don't want to be like that. I look at my life, and although I've fucked up A LOT, i see lots of love and happiness. I've learned so much from being friends with her. Good and Bad. But now it's time to let go, and be the best Ashlie that i can. I won't be perfect, i won't even try to be perfect. But I will be pretty damn happy! I will miss her at times, and cry over the fact that I have lost another friend. But i think sometimes people just grow apart. Not on purpous, i think it just happens. I'm okay with that.

Love always,

To My Dearest Josh,

Not a day has gone by in the past 5 years, where I have not thought about you. I miss you everyday. I wish you could have met Chase. You would have loved him. We all would have been great friends. I was standing on MawMaw's back porch the other day, and I could hear you whispering the words about how you felt about me the first time you saw me at Nanny's. I miss you so much. And every now and then, I hear one of your songs and I know that's your way of letting me know you're thinking about me. There was so much more that I wanted to tell you, so much more that I wanted us to do together. I know one day, far from now, we'll have another chance. I miss you and love you forever!

Love always,
Your Ash♥